My Miscarriage Story
Writing has helped me to work through this experience, and although it has been less than a week since I miscarried, I wanted to share this post while the feelings are still fresh and real. I’ve written three different versions of my story over the last five days, and I have had to really work up the courage to hit publish, but I wanted so badly to share my story as I know this is a subject that is so rarely discussed. I feel it is so important to start a dialogue about women’s health, and that you should never be ashamed or afraid to talk about something that is so common but can be so emotionally traumatic.
No one likes to talk about miscarriages although they are more common than one would expect. up to a quarter of pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first trimester, often times occurring before a person even knows they are pregnant. It never once occurred to me that I could be a part of that statistic, and I am normally a very realistic person. On this particular topic I had zero knowledge, so at almost 12 weeks pregnant when it happened to me I felt blindsided and completely confused.
Maybe it would have been easier if I had miscarried earlier on in my pregnancy, or if I hadn’t already announced I was pregnant. Maybe if I had less time to get excited about being pregnant for the second time, or if I didn’t already know the joy of having one baby to love, maybe, maybe maybe. Every woman that goes through the loss of a pregnancy experiences it in their own unique way and there is no “right” way to feel about it. Ultimately it was hard to convince myself that I wasn’t responsible for everything. I felt guilty for initially not wanting to be pregnant when I first found out, but I also felt sad that I had fully mentally prepared for being a mom of two and was excited to be welcoming a new baby into our family. I also felt like an empty shell, it’s as if there were a physical void where there once was a brussels sprout sized baby growing inside me and seeing the blank ultrasound screen only made me feel more empty.
I am the type of person to push everything down, I don’t love to publicly show my emotions or share about how I’m feeling. As I searched for information on the internet, I found myself looking more and more for other women’s stories on dealing with miscarriage and their experiences. I wanted to hear about how other women dealt with the emotional rollercoaster of hormones that accompany a miscarriage and how they handled them. I quickly realized that everyone’s story is unique and every person deals with the experience in their own way.
There is no right way to feel when this happens and it is okay to feel exactly how you feel.
I really only felt deeply sad when I was experiencing the physical symptoms. The horrible cramping, the bleeding, and the confirmation of the blank ultrasound screen was the worst part. My body changing from feeling pregnant and all of the symptoms, to feeling empty, and deflated was a tough transition. I felt emotionally out of control. I cried on a whim even if I wasn’t feeling sad, I could be up in an instant and then back down the next. It was exhausting and I slept a lot for the first three days because I didn’t really know what else to do. I told a small handful of friends and family what was going on, but then I decided to keep it to myself until I share this post. It is not easy to bring up in conversation that you’ve miscarried the baby that everyone was celebrating only one week earlier. Also, most people don’t know how to respond which can be even more awkward and I’d rather just share my feelings in this post and then let it rest.
As far as moving on from this, I feel extremely grateful that my body was able to do what was necessary to keep me healthy and naturally terminate a pregnancy with serious chromosomal abnormalities without further intervention down the line. I’m glad that it happened early enough in my pregnancy that I only had a few short months of knowing about this baby and early enough that I couldn’t feel the little kicks or see the changes in my body. I am grateful for my family rallying around me to make sure I’m okay and allowing me to feel my rollercoaster of emotions. I am especially thankful for Dustin taking work off to take care of Stella and I while I struggled through the first two days. Holding me for ten minute hugs when I needed them and being strong for me when I was struggling to figure out how I was feeling and then working through the emotions.
I’ll leave it at that for now. I don’t plan to share more about this on the blog, but I am always here for support for those of you that have gone through something or are currently experiencing something similar. I want to let you know you aren’t alone and it is okay to feel exactly how you feel.